10 Jan – Forever loved, forever missed, forever “nearly 2”

10 Jan – Forever loved, forever missed, forever “nearly 2”

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I felt a shift coming last year. I knew that January would be different. I know we have a big year ahead with RR, probably our biggest, but something was different. Something I could not quite put my finger on. Christmas was tough, tougher than I expected. But I think that the fact that we survived it has almost given me a new strength to get through the darker days. We have entered January with a challenge. Mike and I have having a dry January and are also on a major calorie counted health kick too. We have each put on over a stone since Reuben passed and our comfort eating had to stop. No better a time then January to get our “house” in order , in more ways than one. So naturally, this makes us a feel a bit better. I also feel a bit better about Reuben and I feel that my relationship has changed with him somewhat. Its difficult to explain, and I look forward to sharing with you 2 beautiful gifts that Reuben sent us over Christmas and New Year. I will save this for another post. I feel closer to Reuben and its almost like I am finding some peace in between this existence of grief. I am also coming to terms with the permanence of his loss and allowing the darker days to do their worst and accepting them as love. Dont get me wrong, nothing is getting easier and im still a long way from “happy” but I feel a new kind of acceptance.
I know there are many bereaved parents supporting our cause and I suppose what I am trying to say, to those that have recently lost like us, there is hope that peace with come.
As I thought about my “different” whilst making tea last night, I awaited Isaac’s return from football.
There was a shift for him too, but unlike ours, his was very different.
Isaac has cried for Reuben on a few occasions, but not as many as some would think. However yesterday proved to be different again. WE had a cuddle in bed yesterday morning and he asked me “Mummy, how many times did Reuben go to the Doctors”. I answered him honestly and involved him with every Doctor visit in our conversation. “Do you remember the first time, you played with him… “ and so on. I also took the time to explain that tumours are very rare and he had poorliness in his head for some time, it wasn’t because he fell over.
When Isaac came home from football, he asked would I swim later today at his lesson, I said yes and he was overjoyed. He then gave me a big love a hug and a kiss. I think the giddiness and the love he experienced in that little “yes” tipped him over the edge a bit. He then lay on the floor in front of the fire and studied his Brother’s photographs and started to recall memories. I said “You missing your Brother darling?” and he started to cry. We had a cuddle and I asked him did he want to watch “Fairytale” a tribute to his Brother that Ben kindly created for Reuben’s celebration. We all watched it twice and cried and then watched some more. He went to bed and settled, but cried again brushing his teeth and asking questions .
I promised him that this weekend we would watch some home footage of our holidays with Reuben in them too. He’s really looking forward to it.
Isaac has his own journey of grief and we have to support his as best we can. And love him through it honestly and with openness.
His school know about last night and are wonderful and incredibly supportive.
Reuben’s Retreat will offer bereavement counselling and support for parents like us and also for siblings like Isaac. Eventually we will offer this across all of the UK, either by signposting to other groups or virtually.
Please continue to like, comment and SHARE our cause, so that we can regularly appear in your newsfeed. WE don’t want to lose you.
Today I share “Fairytale” for those that haven’t seen it before…. a beautiful piece of work dedicated to our darling Angel Reuben.
Forever loved, forever missed, forever “nearly 2”
Thank you for taking the time
Love always,

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