11 October – “Mummy, it would have been lovely if Reuben were at football last night”

11 October – “Mummy, it would have been lovely if Reuben were at football last night”

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I start tonight’s post with MISS, Isaac’s MISS. This morning he said to me, “Mummy, it would have been lovely if Reuben were at football last night”. “ He would have been running around and trying to join in, but wouldn’t have been able to play with you yet Isaac for a year” “I really wish he was there though Mummy” “ I know darling, but he’s watching us from where he is you know, we just can’t see him, but he can see us and he is always with us” was my reply. Isaac looked up at the ceiling “ I wonder if there’s football in heaven Mummy and if there is I wonder what kit Reuben is wearing?” “ I expect its white like the Angels” was my reply. “ I think i would like White shorts like Reuben’s” he said.
A short while later when putting his shoes on he said “ Does Reuben have pumps in heaven Mummy for running around with Buddie?” I smiled at Isaac and replied “ You missing your Brother a lot this morning darling?” Isaac then moved in for a great big hug and a kiss on his head and we left for school…….
You see, Isaac played football with his pals last night. A brief try to see if he liked “Soccer school” and to see if “Soccer school” liked him. It’s times like this, new experiences, new feelings, where he misses his Brother the most. He would have loved to have Reuben there too.
When you lose a child from your family, you lose so much……. you lose a future that would have been, a future that should have been. You lose an huge element of the fun to all those new experiences. You lose the thrill of holidays. You lose looking forward to Christmas and Birthdays and you lose the future relationships that those children will have brought to you.
When you bring a child into this world, you bring a future…… a future torn from you when they leave.
I spoke with a lovely Mummy yesterday, whom has tragically mirrored our tragic life story one year later. We connected in a way that no parent ever wishes to connect and I wish with all my heart she wasn’t going through this pain and heartache, but I am glad that we were there for each other.
We now have to prepare for a future thats very different from our plans and losing Reuben has taken a part of me that will never return, I will never ever be the same person that I was on the 13th of August 2012, as we visited that theme park and spent our last day all together, complete……
I am working on my new happy and sometimes it is exhausting.
I have HOPE, a HOPE that this feeling isn’t permanent………… and sometimes I don’t know how I got through the day… but I did, I do and I have Isaac and his MISS too.
Reuben will live on through the memories of others created at his retreat, working our charity means I get to virtually walk hand in hand daily with my Angel Son.
We love and MISS you darling more than words can say.
This is a photo of the boys taken at Gullivers World in May12. We don’t have many photos where he isn’t gurning….. he knew it made us laugh. Always the joker… happy times

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