12th April – I’m back

12th April – I’m back

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I’m back and I survived and proudly wear the t-shirt “ I went on holiday without my other Son who now lives in heaven”….  I think reading between the lines you all knew that the plans were up and coming to make another step, and TICK anothe…r first…  A few months ago I couldn’t even discuss the prospect and then Mike arranged it all with our lovely friends, Sharon, David, Rowan and Charlotte (Matthews).   I was really touched that they felt that they could holiday with us again after we were all suffering such a loss.  You see, it was with the Matthews that all those lovely photos were taken last year in Turkey, the swim photo, cheese, the see-saw, the slide and the ice cream.  It was with them that Reuben experienced a dolmus, sinking in the pool, sliding down waterslides, dancing in the kids kluB, and choking on too much Turkish delight.  And it was on that holiday that his  little personality started to shine through… his speech was coming on and he was stringing his sentences together and he was gaining his independence.  It is also the time that we like to remember, as him not having his tumour then, as you know his tumour was 6 – 8 weeks old max.  It was also the time when he danced and loved the song… ahum zum zum ahum zum zum, goody goody goody goody goody, um zum zum…. And this is one of my final memories of Reuben. As Reuben lay in the tent on our final night together in Devon on Monday the 13th of August he started to sing this song… he was in his travel cot in the tent and we were still in the garden and it was late… firstly he started to sing “ oh nah nah what’s mi name, oh na na, what’s mi name” to which I responded… your name’s Reuben, go to sleep..  and he replied with a big belly laugh… and followed it by singing um zum zum.. randomly and out of the blue I was surprised that he had remembered it from the middle of June. So we boarded our flight bound Lanzarote, after packing our 2 small suitcases… packing no nappies or wipes, and leaving the sea squad ickle life jacket hung up outside Reuben’s wardrobe… alone. 1 solemn life jacket packed for Isaac Bobster…..   We visited Reuben’s garden before the airport and we were off.  I took some photos of Reuben and his little rabbit ( the one snuggle that didn’t go with him to his resting place).  Landing late at night, a quick supper and bed broke me in gently before family breakfast.  We MISSed him at every mealtime, especially as we had a big round table fit for 6 or 8 with an extra or spare seat at each sitting.  There’s no disjoint with a round table and Reuben would have been on a big boy chair this holiday, tucking in.  We MISSed him at the kids disco and by the 3rd song the same as those played out in Turkey was blasted out to much fun and laughter, it was game over for Mummy and the tears came and a big restaurant serviette to follow….  We MISSed him at the pool, we MISSed him playing games, we MISSed him on our cycle ride and we MISSed pushing his buggy… Isaac MISSed his little Brother and the girls MISSed their playmate….. In truth… my MISS was no bigger or smaller than at home… sometimes it hurts more when the fun stuff happens, but it never leaves you…. GRIEF, MISS, LOVE… its always there… always… you never get the Sunday lie in from it, the free evening, or the holiday… and we took our MISS on our holidays too…..    It was a huge step for me and I am glad I went.  I got to pile in with loads of extra cuddles with Isaac and his pals, we got to relax and spend time together as a family and we got to make new memories with our dear friends….. memories that I wish with all of my heart had Reuben in them, which they did, but different… a sad and lonely MISS kinda different….. I think you were with us Reuben, I hope so… I am not sure where you are my darling boy… I hope one day you will send me a sign to let me know that you are still with us, but that we just cannot see you… one day… maybe…. We LOVE you Reuben, we do… we LOVE you Reuben, we do… we MISS you Reuben we do… we really MISS you we do  xxxx   Mummy xxxx Photos; our GRAND national ( courtesy of Rowan & Charlotte),  beach bum Isaac, our bike ride ( me still got sore bum as not been on a bike since my grifter in 81) and Mummy’s bedside table on hols.

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