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Good evening…. I had written this on my way to Miami for a Celebrity Cruises Sales conference 11 days ago with work and HAVE NOW RETURNED……Thank you to all my friends from the UK and US who looked after me whilst I was away from Nic and Isaac for 10 days – the longest I have ever been away from my family
I don’t often post and share my feelings on Facebook, but today (Friday 6 December) is different……
Last night we flew from London – Miami……I was sat behind a little boy, called Enzo, who had curly hair just like Reuben, (dark hair, not blonde) he was the same height, had similar shoes and flashed the same cheeky smile, and even laughed like Reuben
Every sense came back to me I wanted to smell Reuben, touch Reuben, hear Reuben, HUG and hug and hug and KISS Reuben…..every feeling flooded back in one incredible burst of sad/happy memories – ( remembering the happy times with Reuben…..but so, so sad NOW – does that make sense ? )
Initially I was fine……doing “Peep-O” with Enzo whilst he “Peep O’d” back to me……..I was happy, for all of five minutes and then reality kicked in
This isn’t Reuben…..I used to do this…..I can’t do it now……I miss him so so much…..I am crying as I type this and I’m thinking people must be looking at me wondering why is this man crying sat in his seat by himself ?
I am desperate to tell Enzo’s Daddy, who is sat in front of me, that I have a boy just like theirs, but I know if I do then I will have to tell them our horrific story….And I really don’t want to put them through our pain or let them think that anything can ever harm their boy, just as we thought nothing could hurt Reuben, before we found out he had a very RARE and aggressive brain tumour……..so I keep quiet.
I am showing Enzo the pictures on my I-pad and they are of Isaac and Reuben……his Mummy asks “how old are they ?” and I say Isaac is 5 years old and Reuben is 23 months old
I don’t tell her that Reuben will never be more than 23 months old and that I will never see him again, until we meet in heaven
It’s strange, how it STILL feels just like yesterday, when the doctor asked us to sit down and gave us the news that every parent would dread…. “we have found a mass on Reuben’s brain, we are unsure what it is, we think it may be a tumour, we have decided to fly him by helicopter to Bristol hospital to operate on him”
I remember feeling like I was suddenly on auto pilot, this wasn’t real, it felt like I was watching an episode of Casualty….this happens to other people not our family ?
In the last 15 months my coping mechanism has been to “carry on” with work and try to be as “normal”as possible which I think is probably the “normal male” response, as I’m sure many fathers would agree
I can’t “fix things” but I need to “carry on”, to function, for my beautiful Nic and my amazing boy Isaac
I find it difficult to cry……..I find it difficult to open up and I find it ESPECIALLY difficult to go to Reuben’s grave
I accept what has happened….we can’t bring Reuben back…..it’s nobody’s fault……if I see Reuben on video I cry….if I hear certain music that reminds me of Reuben I cry
People say…. “you’ve got through your first Christmas the next one will be easier” Why ?
If anything it’s actually more difficult because last year was so soon after Reuben moved to heaven that Nic and I were emotionally numb.
Will year three, four, five be easier…when is it OK to forget Reuben ? NEVER….
Reuben will always be with me……not necessarily in a spiritual way to me personally, but he will ALWAYS be on my mind………
I’m sure many of you who have lost someone close to you, a child, a member of the family, a close friend or an unborn baby have similar feelings……
Anyway….before I started writing this I actually wanted to say how much I love my wife……..so here goes…….
My beautiful wife Nic, is an amazing lady…….I know sometimes you may think she is like Wonder Woman always “doing ” but rest assured she definitely takes the time to ensure Isaac and I are fed, watered and well looked after !
Isaac and I would be lost with Nic…I honestly have no idea where she gets the strength on a daily basis to keep focused on Reuben’s Retreat, help other bereaved mummies, fundraise, go to so many events, still SMILE and of course be a mother and wife to Isaac and I
So Nic I send you all my love…….I will miss you so much…….I know it’s “conference” but things are different now…….it’s not the same as when we met on our first TC conference……
I am now turning off my I-pad and before it switches off the last memory that pops up on the screen is the photograph of my lovely wife, Nic, Isaac and Reuben
June 2012….in Turkey – HAPPY……we had no idea that in a couple of months our lives would change forever……
A BIG THANK YOU to our close friends and family who moved in, calling and taking Nic for dinner and for ” looking after Nic ” whilst I am away
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I love you my beautiful wife……all my LOVE……Mr. G
I am so glad to be back home with my family, but again thank you to my ” Celebrity ” family for looking after me whilst I was away