17th May – 50 Shades of Grief

17th May – 50 Shades of Grief

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Today I am very “weepy”, day 2 in fact of “weepsville” a new phenomenon in my 50 shades of Grief. It has been a funny week of more great things happening but also a lot of stress. I had a chat with my lovely Doctor last week, and it has made me much more aware of how your body and mind suffer with grief and loss. I suppose I had not thought it through before, but then with each passing month the fog and numbness lift. I am now open to a lot more sensitivities than I ever was before. A lot of that is also down to the anxieties too. The Anxiousness plays tricks with my body and mind. It flips my heart around like a chef spinning pizza dough and puts my tummy in the washing machine. It also creates a paranoia which I have never experienced before that then leads to more anxiousness. Then the flipping of my heart and spinning of my tummy and we are back to it again. I talk a lot and listen a lot and have a fantastic support system. I have new friends that I have discovered and connected with through losing Reuben and I have old friends that are consistent and stalwart throughout this tragedy we find ourselves in. I have also started with some healing which I know will help me towards my new goal of more happy days than sad ones. I am also trying to look after myself a bit more, mentally, spiritually and physically. I embrace the pain that grief brings, I roll with the tides of it and I learn daily to cope with it. I also “flip” it on a regular basis with the good that is coming from our cause. We are all individual. There is only one of us on this planet and our grief is as individual as our darling family and friends that we lose. Its as individual as the circumstances that surround that loss and as individual as the place they hold in our hearts. This is the billy big bananas of grief for me and hopefully the worst it will ever get in my lifetime. August changed me forever and Reuben remains a quarter of our heartbroken family.
For now, I must dust myself off. It’s sink or swim and the past 9 months have taught me olympic standard butterfly front crawl winning Gold medal swimming complete with an outstanding world class performance of synchronized swimming.
All of this I will take to Reuben’s retreat, a place to “Relax, Recharge, Remember & Rebuild”
Today Ali and I attend the Inspire women awards in Manchester. Later we are the charity of choice at the Pride of Tameside too. A busy day with a quick costume change in between. Thanks for listening, for your incredible love and support and for sharing our life story of loss and hope……
I MISS you so much my darling and who knows where you are? wherever it is, I hope you are the happiest you can be… tell them all about Isaac, Daddy and Me…… and how your life was perfect, so happy and so pure… and even if we tried real hard we couldn’t love you more….. xxxx

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