25th March – We Miss You

25th March – We Miss You

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Im struggling today… my anxiety has hit a whole new level.  I ache in my chest, my heart weighs heavy and my tummy is in knots and has been on and off for a couple of weeks now.  The grief is exhausting and I am going to have another earl…y night I think.  Its thought  that grief is around 6 to 12 months, and grief for a child is around 2 years.  My grief I will carry forever and I will learn to live with it I know… My counsellor today said that around this time (6 – 7 months) the numbness and shock that carried you through are wearing off and the reality of loss hits you.  It has been painful to date don’t get me wrong.. but I haven’t had the physical symptoms so intensely and prolonged before.. Im ready for it and I know to just roll with it.  I know I will come out the other side… but it hurts like hell…. its horrible… and so intense. My MISS was and is massive today and I am teetering on a 9 on the shight o meter.  I cant fight it, I have no fight, and if I do fight it, I don’t think that does me any good either.  In truth, I miss him, I miss his chatter, his spider man socks (photo), his chunky hands, his smile, his curls, his smell, his humour, his joking, his cheeky ways… him… Reuben 100% adorable…  I miss his chuckle, his chubby cheeks, his perfect pout, and I miss him learning from his hero, Isaac.  I miss him every time I take Isaac to school and I miss him every time I collect Isaac.  His wonderful big Brother… his teacher of all things “ickle”.   I sit in the rocking chair in his room to take calls and I imagine him at my feet… I miss him opening  the freezer door and shouting at the top of his lungs “CHIPS”… I miss him emptying the cereal cupboard of Granola and I miss him carrying the big bottle of juice from the cupboard and saying “dink pyease Mummy”… I miss him when I look around in the car and his space is empty, I miss him at mealtimes, I miss him at bathtime and story time and I miss looking in on him at night time before I go to bed… I miss singing to him in a morning and I miss saying “Birdies” when we open the blind… I miss seeing his crumbs his sticky fingers… and his toys… I miss him laughing with Isaac watching talking Ben on the i-pad and I miss his future… His unconditional LOVE, his loves, his triumphs and tribulations…..  and I miss him not being a part of our future and most importantly Isaac’s… and I miss for him and his Daddy, our family and our friends…… Tonight, sadly…. I gotta whole lotta MISS going on………. I will LOVE you forever my sweet darling boy and I wish, I so wish, with every ounce of my being that things were different……  We MISS you with every beat of our broken hearts  xxxx Forever nearly 2, Forever Mummy xxxxSee more

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