28 November – Had a really rough few days

28 November – Had a really rough few days

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Had a really rough few days… very weepy again…
Yesterday was particularly bad and I could have just cried and wailed all day. I had some reiki in the morning from Kath and it helped a little bit.
I MISS him at every turn. At teatime I want to shout at him for pulling Isaac’s hair and for not playing “nice”. I want to take him to school to wave Isaac off in a morning. I want to drop him by Pre-school to learn his numbers with friends that will never know him. I want to hear him sing nativity songs with Isaac and get all the words wrong. I want to cuddle him in bed in a morning and hold him whilst his Brother is on my knee. I want to ask him what he wants for tea and then praise him when he eats all his big boy veggies. I want to see him watch Isaac at football and swimming and beavers. I want to take him to see Santa and watch him flick through the catalogue and choose presents. I want to turn around in the car and see him in his big boy car seat. I want to hear him sing.. I want to hear him laugh… I want to smell his hair and I want to brush his teeth with him……. I want I want…. and I wish………. and there aren’t enough words to type how much I want and wish….
And sometimes all this MISS is unbearable….. and I have to embrace it, allow it to wash over me and just pull through the best I can…. No rhyme, no reason, no trigger, no anniversary, no switch, no words….. its grief, its a MISS that no parent ever wants or should ever have to bear. No solution…. the permanence of it all so very painful…. the never…… forever….
Forever ~ Mummy
Reuben, Forever “Nearly 2” – We MISS you so much darling

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