75 weeks since Reuben moved to heaven.
A while ago I wrote that Reuben had sent me a couple of lovely gifts over the festive season, but I didn’t say what…..
I found Christmas last year to be a really tough time. I couldn’t help but think about how at 3 years of age, Reuben would have really “got it” and understood so much more. It also made me sad for Isaac , as when he lost his Brother, he never remembered life before Reuben. Also Reuben would have been the age that Isaac was when we brought his baby Brother home.
I tried to get through as best I could and crumbled at Christingle on Christmas Eve. The children had all gone to collect their oranges with candles in and Mike stood at the back of the church with Isaac holding his candle. The lights went out and all the congregation started to sing “Away in a manger”. Reuben would have been stood there, my 3 little wise men, he would have been negotiating the sweets on the top of his orange and Mike would have been trying to save his hair from setting on fire. I started to cry in the pew and the loss in my heart was unbearable.
We headed home after the service and my MISS was too much for me to handle. I cried throughout Christmas eve and went to bed in tears and for the first time in a while, Mike knew that I was crying myself to sleep.
In the morning I got up with Isaac and Mike, painted the best smiley face I could muster and headed downstairs while Isaac opened his presents.
Later that morning and without Isaac knowing I crept away quietly and went to sit on the rocking chair in Reuben’s room. I cried and cried and cried some more. Mike came in and I asked him to leave, there are some tears you don’t want anyone to see. It was also important that Isaac didn’t know that I was missing. I stayed there for nearly an hour, MISSing my little boy and trying to build the courage to go back downstairs and be with my Son. Mike came back into Reuben’s room and said, look Nic, I have something to show you, I found this the other day. As I looked at the base of Reuben’s cot, on the top of the wood, there were baby teeth marks… indentations of 2 and 3 teeth. He would have done this whilst tormenting Isaac through the bars, whilst they watched tv when I used to grab a quick shower. I would often put Reuben back in his cot safe whilst I showered ready for work and I would ask Isaac to sit with him and put tv or a dvd on. If I would hear screaming or shouting it would be that Reuben had got hold of Isaacs’s hair through the bars and pulled it. I imagined him chatting to his Brother and then trying to take the odd chunk out of the base of his cot. What a lovely gift to enjoy on Christmas day. It made me smile……………
I pulled myself together, gave Mike a hug and made my way back downstairs………..
Photo – He looks really young here, this was around the time he was learning to shout Isaac, its also around the time he decided to peel his border off behind him…. monkey!