7th October – Reuben’s Retreat will create memories for Mummy’s like me….

7th October – Reuben’s Retreat will create memories for Mummy’s like me….

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I don’t cry every day, but sometimes I can have an onset of what I now relate to as “weepy days”. Im having some of those lately. Yesterday I wept as our house was so full of noise, playing and laughter. Jacob my nephew (12) was on a sleepover and I cried as they played pirates upstairs, laughing their heads off. I wept for what could have been… and for what should have been… I try not to think too much about what could have been… I find it tortuous. My head drifts and I direct it back to the here and now and the busy… its too painful to think about all that we will now miss of Reuben. And then Jacob and Isaac had a little fall out and there were tears and it was all so terribly “normal” . It got me thinking then of how robust Reuben was and how he would give as good as he got. He used to sit in his cot whilst I read to him and Isaac and when Isaac wasn’t looking he used to sneak his little fat fingers through the bars and hang on to poor Isaac’s hair and he would laugh as Isaac would shriek. I have a series of 3 photos as he did just that when sat on Daddy with Isaac on the lawn on a cruise ship. Isaac smiling, then ouch! Followed by tears and Reuben behind, stealth like,had gone in for the kill. For a little one, he had a great sense of humour and he was a really old soul. When we used to walk with his buggy, he would shout “HAND!” and demand that Isaac hold it whilst we made our way up the brow. He loved his big Brother very much and they were good pals.
This is a photo on “voyager of the seas”, its July/ August 12 and Reuben is nearly One year old. He’s enjoying the 50’s sounds in Johnny Rockets and he was dancing on the stool and laughing. We have so many lovely memories of trips away and holidays, we are very lucky to have them. This is what we want to create for those families, who like us, may have to give their children back from where they came. I have no photos of Reuben sat in a Tesco trolley doing the weekly shop. I have no photos of him sat in the car banging on the window as I get the petrol. I have no photos of him collecting Isaac from pre-school. All our photos are memories we created together, happy times, fun times, sunshine times.
The grief never lifts, the void is permanent, the heartache unfathomable. I cannot describe the constant pain that living in this world without him brings. Going to bed every night and popping my head into an empty room. Feeling like im living a nightmare, day in day out.
Memories are all I have and I cannot begin to tell you how important they are.
Reuben’s Retreat will create memories for Mummy’s like me……….

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