8th Feb – I cried and cried and then we cried and then I cried some more

8th Feb – I cried and cried and then we cried and then I cried some more

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Today i crashed! Today a teetered over the brink of the 9.5 shight o meter score that I have visited on few occasions… i don’t want to say I was a 10 as I don’t ever want to visit a 10 on the scale…. but I teetered over and was quite easily a 9.8 or 9.9… it was horrid, painful, draining and it made all my body ache for Reuben. Mike was there for me as I cried and cried and then we cried and then I cried some more… My body reacts to grief too, I have symptoms like when I lost before Reuben, and today even my section scar hurt.
I visited a town that I had not been to since my dear friend took her life there last Summer. I went this morning on a work errand and I thought I would be ok. Naturally I thought about her and her desperate situation. We had been friends for over 20 years. When I have dark days I try and “flip it”… I think about Mummy’s that have lost their children to suicide, I think about war torn countries and Mothers that waved their Men off to war.. I think about the poor children that lost their lives to dictators and I think about children that are missing and how do all those Mummy’s cope… but some days I cannot “flip it” and no matter how hard I try it hits.. like a freight train to my body and like a hammer to my head.. and I just roll with it, as I know I will come out the other side. Tonight is still dark.. but my sharing and writing helps me off load a little bit and helps me to share some, like it shatters into 21,000 tiny pieces out there onto virtual shoulders via Facebook. I hope I don’t upset you… And I know Im not alone… I know there are other Mummy’s there, having felt, and sometimes still, that MISS a great big maSSive MIsSssssss. But I would do it all again to have him… and I know there are also Mummy’s that Miss that will never have the gift of a child, and that’s sad too… for all the Mummy’s that MISS this post is for you.. may all our friends and family give us the strength to carry on… God Bless Reuben and all his angel friends… I wish there were visiting hours in heaven…. xxxx Mummy xxxx



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