Monday 7th Jan – Saturday I woke up early and lay thinking about Reuben

Monday 7th Jan – Saturday I woke up early and lay thinking about Reuben

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Saturday I woke early and lay thinking about Reuben… sometimes I will try and switch off a bit to allow myself to go back to sleep but on Saturday I didn’t want to. I thought about him.. in his buggy, in his cot after a nap saying “Mummy” and throwing out his arms to me.. and I thought about his first sentence… “ Daddy, I-pad, Isaac” and how he laughed at my reply.. “Reuben, nose out, bedtime..” and how he lay back down in his travel cot and giggled and started to sing “Twinkle”… clever boy.. and then I thought about his talking, his words, his cheekiness, his cheesy smile (gurning, Thanks Ali!) and then my eyes got warm… and a few silent tears slipped sideways down my cheeks.. and then I smiled… a happy smile… because …. forever I will remain a “Mummy”… forever…. He wont grow any older.. his hair will remain blonde and curly.. his teeth will remain milky, his cheeks will always be chunky and his big brown eyes will always be just that… my little cutie pie, frozen in time, 2 weeks before becoming the ripe old age of 2 …. he will never be old enough to change from calling me Mummy to Mum…. when I am 92 years of age and still pottering around Reuben’s Retreat… I will still be able to introduce myself as Reuben’s Mummy… I would give my life to change it, but it wont bring him back. But I was, I am, I remain, Reuben’s Mummy Forever….
Yesterday Mike moved everything around the porch, he was having a clear out. We put 2 pairs of Reuben’s shoes back in his room and one of his coats. Then we found it. Reuben’s yellow coat, the one in the photo… the matching one to his Big Brother’s… the one he wore all Spring and Summer.. the one that went to Turkey, to Lytham, To Devon, To pre-school. The coats that people would ask… your boys look great, where are those coats from? How I LOVED them in their matching coats…striking. And then we dared… me and Mike… we smelled his coat…. errant strands of his blonde curly locks were intertwined in the collar… and we smelled and we smelled and we smelled that coat.. and we could smell him… oh what a treat.. we could smell him… we could smell Reuben… wafts of memories… wafts of him.. our boy… and we cried and we cried and Isaac joined in and we all sat on the settee and cried and MISSED. And then Mike took it up to his room and wrapped it up really tight so that the smell would last for a bit longer…. Tonight we took it out again like a pair of junkies and sniffed it some more… Isaac shouted from the bedroom… “Mummy why don’t you take the coat to Reuben’s garden and hang it in the tree???” how funny.. “ its yours to keep for when you are big Isaac… a keepsake to remember your Brother..”… “ But Ive got a coat Mum” was his reply… he’s 5 and Im his Mum…
Xxxx Forever Mummy xxxx

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